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This isn’t going to be a magical pill that makes you a content genius overnight. Creating great content takes work. But I’m going to show you how to do it without wasting your time on useless bullshit that doesn’t work.

So buckle the fuck up. you’re going to learn how to create content that can actually be turned into something people want to read, that doesn’t bore the shit out of your audience, and that gets actual fucking results.

Start with Your Fucking Audience

Here’s the first rule of content that doesn’t suck: Write for ONE audience. Not two. Not three. ONE. FUCKING. AUDIENCE.

Why? Because when you try to write for everyone, you end up writing for no one.

So who the fuck are you writing for? This is where most people go, “I don’t know, everyone who might buy our shit?” Wrong fucking answer.

Do Your Goddamn Research

Even if it’s just sitting on your ass for 20 minutes thinking about who might actually read your content, DO IT. It’s better than just puking words onto the page without any idea about who’s going to read them.

Here’s the fucking reality of market research as a copywriter:

• You’ll often get ZERO information about your target audience. Big fucking surprise.
• Sometimes, you’ll get access to an SME (subject matter expert), but they might only have 20 to 30 minutes to chat. Make those minutes count.
• Usually, you have to research on your own and simply make your best guesses. Welcome to the real world.

Larger businesses with actual budgets will invest in market research, but even they might only have some limited info for you. 

No research? No fucking problem. Put your fucking thinking cap on. Use your goddamn imagination. If you were those people, what would matter to you? Make your best guess and run with it. It’s better than sitting on your ass doing nothing.

Benefits vs. Features (Or Why Almost No One Gives a Fuck About Your Product Specs)

So you’ve figured out who the fuck you’re writing for. Great. Now what?

Start by taking your features and transforming them into benefits. Because here’s a fucking truth bomb for you: People don’t buy features—they buy benefits.

What’s the Fucking Difference Between Benefits and Features?

A feature is something your product/service has or does. 

It’s often a bunch of numbers and statistics that make uber-geeks lose their minds but mean jack shit to the majority of your customers.

Example: “39% reduced blue light emissions from our screen.”

Do people care about reduced blue light emissions? Yes, but it’s hard to tell what that actually fucking means for their lives. Is 39% a lot? Is it a little? Why should they give a shit? What does it actually DO for them?

A benefit is what a feature does for the customer. How it changes their fucking life (hopefully making it better/easier/simpler).

It answers the question, “What’s this mean for my life?”

Example: “Less blue light means you’ll fall asleep faster after doom-scrolling Facebook at 1 AM.”

Or: “Lower blue light emissions mean you can binge-watch the latest trash out of Netflix for hours without your eyes feeling like they’ve been sandpapered.”

See the fucking difference?

Converting features into benefits makes your product/service more interesting, more visceral. Now your customers can see why they need it in their lives (or not).

REMEMBER THIS SHIT: Features tell, benefits sell.

Remember, you’re writing for ONE fucking audience, right? Focus on them exclusively and what the benefits do for them.

Choose the benefits they fucking want, not ALL the goddamn benefits (and not all the fucking features for that matter). That means you’re leaving out a lot of shit that might matter to other audiences—fuck those people, okay?

Focus exclusively on your most valuable audience if you want to make the most money. You want the most money, right? If you’ve legitimately got multiple audiences, make new content just for them.

Now maybe you’ve got some fuckers who really do care about all the fucking features in the world—fine, that’s a thing (PC gamers do this shit).

So focus at the top of the page on the biggest fucking benefits—then, at the bottom, make a big-ass table of features they can read through (for the people who care about that shit).

Benefits and Problems (or Why People Come to Your Website in the First Fucking Place)

A good homepage is going to start with a major benefit of the main product/service, if not the biggest or most important one. 

But what is a fucking benefit, anyway (other than what I said on the previous page)? 

It’s an answer to the problem you solve for your audience.

People come to your website because they have a problem (or a handful of problems) that they think you might be able to solve.

So while it’s good to show people your benefits, while it’s good show them benefits that mean a fuckton to them, you also have to show that you understand the problems that drove them to you in the first fucking place.

Understand and Speak to Problems

Here’s the big secret: A benefit is basically a person’s problem that has been solved in some way.

But products/services usually have multiple benefits, and customers have multiple problems. The trick is to identify as many problems as you can and create snippets of content that speak to each of these.

Those fuckers at Apple know how to do this shit. 

They don’t say “iPhone 16 Pro has a 48MP camera system.” 

They say “Capture your world in mind-blowing detail.” That’s the fucking benefit.

People don’t give a shit about megapixels. They care about taking photos that don’t look like they were shot with a potato.

But why do people come to the website in the first fucking place? Because they want a badass phone. Not just any fucking phone—a badass phone that looks and feels like a high-quality, luxury product.

So they fill their fucking website with tons and tons of pictures that show just how sexy looking this fucking phone is.

People don’t go to Apple because they want just any fucking phone, and Apple knows this.

They know their audience has money and is willing to spend it if they’re convinced they’re getting the sexiest, coolest phone out there.

And so their product pages are filled to the fucking brim with images that show they understand their audience’s problem: they’re worried they don’t have the latest, coolest, most badass phone out there.

It’s a fucking status thing, first and foremost, but they speak to other problems as well.

For example, they talk a lot about battery life, especially in connection with gaming because they know their audience is pissed at their old phone that keeps dying when they’re trying to play games on the fucking subway on the way to their high-paying job in fucking New York.

They also talk a lot about strength because they know people drop their fucking expensive phones a lot.

By focusing on problems throughout the page, their audiences’ potential reasons for not buying a fucking iphone are gradually pushed away, and they get convinced to buy.

Traits of a Homepage That Actually Converts Motherfuckers

Your homepage is like a first date—if you fuck it up, you’re not getting a second chance. Here’s what makes a homepage worth a damn.

Clear Calls to Action Throughout

What do you want people to do? Read another page? Schedule a call? Fill out a form? Buy now? FUCKING TELL THEM HOW TO DO THAT.

Don’t make people hunt for the “Buy Now” button like it’s some kind of twisted scavenger hunt. Make it obvious what the next step is.

YOU-Focused Language

Rarely speak in 3rd person unless you’re talking about another customer who has had success with your product/service. 

And for fuck’s sake, don’t talk about yourself too much. 

Nobody gives a shit about your company’s “journey” or how many years you’ve been in business except fucking Google. That’s what your About page is for. Put that shit over there, not on your homepage.

Focus on the reader with “you” language. Always find a way to tie back what you’re saying to THEM.

That’s why benefits are so awesome. When you start thinking in terms of benefits, it’s hard not to write for the reader. 

If you’re always thinking, “What does this do for them?” you’re more likely to actually write to them.

Works as a Gateway to the Entire Website

Your homepage should have links and content for each major product/service. Clear paths to anything a customer might need, including help/service. Don’t make people dig through your site like they’re fucking archeologists.

Clear, Simple Language

Avoid jargon and big words that make you feel smart but confuse the shit out of everyone else. Write to a 6th grade level. I don’t care if you’re selling to rocket scientists—make it simple.

Stats/Numbers That Prove Your Points

People like to see outcomes. Quantify successes that existing customers have seen. “Our customers save an average of $432 per year” is better than “Our customers save money.”

Proof That You Know What You’re Doing

Certifications, big brands that buy from you, influencers who buy from you, testimonials/reviews from happy customers (social proof). 

Because people are sheep, and they want to know that other sheep have already crossed this particular bridge without falling to their deaths.

Check this psychological bullshit out—if you go ask 5 people you personally know what dog food to buy, and then you go on a website and read 5 reviews by complete fucking strangers, your dumbass brain will weigh those equally.

So this is not something to skip—this is serious.

Online reviews have as much power in our brains as real people we actually know and trust.

How to Write a Contact Page That Doesn’t Make People Want to Punch You

Your contact page should be the easiest fucking page on your site to write. If you can’t get this right, you’re well and truly fucked.

Google wants a few fucking things on your contact page, but fuck Google, think about what your audience wants.

And then really think about that, and then think about what they need, and then think about what you need.

For example, you may not have a brick-and-mortar store, which means you may not want to put an address on your contact page (even though the dickheads at Google want you to, and let me just tell you, it took them many years to realize that, perhaps, not everyone wanted to put their fucking address on there).

However, you might want to put a service area on there.

You might also want to put a contact form, or you might not—you might want them to opt-in to get awesome fucking emails from you (like the ones you can get from me by opting in here), or you might not have a fucking email list (which is stupid of you, but you know, fucking whatever bro).

Consider putting these fucking items on there:

• NAP (name (of your business), address, phone number)
• Service area or list of states/cities/counties/towns/townships/city-states/fiefdoms served
• Contact form (ask for name and email at least, possibly address, phone number, what the fuck they need help with, and a space for them to write their stupid little message to you. I also like little fucking checklists on here so someone can quickly tell you about the product or service they’re interested in)
• Hours (if you got ’em)
• Maybe a nice little fucking message about how you can’t wait to fucking hear from them

Here’s an example of a contact page that I think does a pretty fucking good job of this:

Now isn’t that fucking nice?

Chapter 6: Product Pages That Actually Sell Shit

Your product page has ONE job: make you fucking money. But that’s not why a potential customer visits that page, is it?

They’re there because they have a problem that they think your product or service will solve. Your job is to convince them that yes, you can solve their problem, and yes, they should give you their money.

The Anatomy of a Non-Shitty Product Page

• Focus on benefits but include features as well (in a condensed format or at the bottom of the page for people who want to dive in)
• For example, some people who buy phones want to know the features in-depth—they should be on the page but hidden beneath a button or in a table at the very bottom.
• Use a framework like PAS (problem agitate solution) to move customers to action

The PAS Framework (Because It Actually Fucking Works)

Problem: State the problem and show that you actually understand what they’re dealing with. If you can’t articulate their problem better than they can, why the fuck should they trust you to solve it?

Agitate: Help them understand how bad the problem really is and what the consequences will be if they don’t solve it. Don’t be a fearmongering asshole, but do make the pain real. “If your website looks like it was designed in 1997, people will think your business is stuck in 1997 too.”

Solution: Your solution and why it’s a great solution:

• Is it the cheapest? (But don’t race to the bottom unless you want to live there)
• Is it the highest quality? (Prove it)
• Does it include great support/customer service? (People will pay more for this)
• Does it have a unique feature? (That no one else has)
• Does it have a feature that goes further than competitors? (Biggest screen, best battery life, etc.)

Tailor to Different Audiences

Take gaming handhelds as an example. The Lenovo Legion Go has the biggest screen. The Steam Deck OLED has the best battery life.

What matters most to gamers? It depends on the fucking gamer:

• Some want portability (small, light)
• Others want battery life (play longer)
• Others want screen size (see more detail)
• Others want performance (run the latest games)

Are there different audiences that care about different benefits? Fuck yes. How can we speak differently to each one? By creating content that speaks to each problem.

Badass Product Pages Deep Dive

What’s the point of a fucking product page?

To make fucking money.

Product and services pages are built to make you money, but that’s not why a potential or current customer visits that page, now is it?

Except I see new fucking writers write these goddamn pages as though they’re for someone else at the business.

To be fair, they probably have a dumbass boss who doesn’t understand shit about copywriting or content writing and gives them bad fucking advice… seen it a million times.

But think about it—when you go to a product page, you’re going because you have a problem that you think this product or service will solve, right?

You’re probably not there to just look at a list of features (though those might be important to you).

Depending on how long you’ve been thinking about this particular problem, you might just be trying to figure out if you even need the problem solved, period.

If you’re not familiar, let’s talk real quick about sales funnels. 

A sales funnel usually has 3 parts, like this one:

So someone might be on your page just to learn about potential answers to their problem in general.

They might be there because they’re comparing what you offer to what other people offer.

And they might be there because they’re pretty sure they want to buy from you and just need to figure out how to do it.

It can for sure get a lot more fucking complicated than this, but this is a nice, general way to think of it.

So a product page needs to speak to the same audience in at least 3 different stages of their little journey to buying your fucking shit, right?

Here’s what we want to see on a fucking product/service page:

• The biggest benefit you got first (a benefit is how your product improves their life in some way)
• A story that integrates the reader into it as the main character (more on this below)
• More benefits that aren’t as important but that are still enticing
• Language that’s enticing, sensory, and engaging, that fuels their imagination of how much better their lives will be with your product in hand
• Social proof (reviews/testimonials)
• Content for all the images that increases their impact (not every picture is obvious without callouts, labels, captions, etc.)

Most important of all is the story (because our dum munkey brains love them).

You need to weave a story with your reader in the center, the hero who is able to complete their fucking quest thanks to whatever awesome shit you, their guide, give them.

Why the Fuck Do I Need to Write a Fucking Story on My Fucking Product Page?

A long time ago, probably in the cradle of civilization (Africa, if you don’t know), human beings who had been using language for a relatively short period of time started telling each other stories.

I really need you to pay attention to this next part:

This was at least 150,000 years ago—possibly 200,000.

Writing was invented about 5,500 years ago.

So for something like 144,500 years or more (possibly a lot more), the only way to transmit information was verbally.

So we came up with a little trick for doing that—the story.

And over many tens of thousands of years—an amount of time you and I can’t even conceive of—our fucking munkey brains evolved to love, respect, and look for stories.

Incidentally, this is why we latch onto conspiracy theories so easily, but that’s a different rant for a different time.

For all of us, a story is easier to remember than a list of facts.

You can write down a list of facts in a book, sure, and it’ll last a long-ass time.

But no book? No idea what a book is? Book hasn’t been invented yet? Fucking paper hasn’t been invented yet? Lists of facts just don’t work.

Stories do.

To say that we are hard-wired for stories is exactly correct.

So we need to see stories on a product page—even if they’re just little bitty fuckers—because our brains latch on to that quick.

How to Write a Fucking Story for Your Fucking Product  Page

Obviously I don’t mean products used for the act of fucking, but you know, it would probably work just as well, though I’ve always guessed those things sell themselves…

You’ve got a few options here for writing a story that pulls your readers in and convinces them to buy while keeping things short (it’s somewhat different if you want it to really go in-depth here):

• Make the story about why you do what you do so that customers who relate will feel like you “get” them or they’re “like you” or somesuch nonsense (it really works—humans r dum)
• Write a bitty little story about the product itself (how you got it, where it’s from, the person who makes it, the first customer, your latest customer, etc.)
• Write the customer into the story

How do we do this? Let’s look at some fucking copywriting examples, shall we?

Here’s what Crocs does with their OG clog:

This is the product description from their website:

“Original. Versatile. Comfortable. It’s the iconic clog that started a comfort revolution around the world! The irreverent go-to comfort shoe that you’re sure to fall deeper in love with day after day. Crocs Classic Clogs offer lightweight Iconic Crocs Comfort™, a color for every personality, and an ongoing invitation to be comfortable in your own shoes.”

After the first three adjectives, they tell a tiny story in one sentence:

“The iconic clog that started a comfort revolution around the world.” Is a story about them, about the product, and one that makes our dumb munkey brains go “oh my.”

Then, they put you into the story:

“The irreverent go-to comfort shoe that you’re sure to fall deeper in love with day after day.” and “A color for every personality, and an ongoing invitation to be comfortable in your own shoes.”

And don’t you just want to be a lazy, comfortable, fat sack of shit? I know I do.

So they’ve followed two of my stupid, simple bullet points: story about the product, weave your reader into the story.

Let’s look at another example with a pretty damn good story.

Here’s one from Acer:

“In a city of endless lights and relentless pace, the Predator Helios 18 AI rises as a weapon forged for those who dare to go beyond. Armed with up to an Intel® Core™ Ultra 9 processor, a mesmerizing 4K Mini LED display, and GeForce RTX™ 5090 Laptop GPU, this machine doesn’t just react—it anticipates.”

Oooooooo, somebody was channeling their inner novelist today, now weren’t they?

Remember, behind every great copywriter is a tragic story about their failure to become a real writer.

So this is a literal story: “In a city of endless lights and relentless pace” is our setting.

“The Predator Helios 18 AI rises as a weapon for those who dare to go beyond.” is the main character.

Now, this is a dangerous move—you usually want to make the reader the MC in your story. 

However, they’ve done something clever: they’ve called it a weapon (which is rarely a character but often used by an MC), and then they’ve said, “for those who dare to go beyond.”

Beyond what? Who knows! But do you dare?

Do you fucking dare, bro?

But then they kinda make it an MC again when they anthropomorphize it: “this machine doesn’t just react—it anticipates.”

How terrifying.

So they’ve hinted that you’re in the story if you fucking double dog dare, but they have a bona fide story with multiple characters, a setting, and an amorphous potential goal that we all sort of understand by virtue of looking at gaming laptops in the first place (play awesome games).

If I’m being honest, this one’s pretty damn good, but notice that these stories didn’t have to be 10 pages long, or even half a page—a few sentences is enough.

You just have to be punchy with your copy—and that takes practice (punchy, bee tee dubs, means short, catchy, and awesome).

Now Go Create Something That Doesn’t Suck

Creating great content isn’t rocket science, but it does take effort. Here’s the TL;DR version for the lazy fucks who scrolled to the bottom:

• Learn about your fucking audience
• Focus on benefits, not features
• Use simple language that a 6th grader could understand
• Tell people what to do next (clear CTAs)

Now get off your ass and create some content that doesn’t completely fucking suck. Your audience will thank you for it.

And remember: If your content isn’t connecting with people, it’s not them—it’s you.

And don’t forget to sign up for my fucking email list to get more awesome tips like in your inbox every fucking day.